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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.