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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
never tell a lie...unless it is true
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.