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great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?