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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.