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you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.