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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.