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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
No pants are the best pants.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.