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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.