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Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.