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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.