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I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.