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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?