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For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.