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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!