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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.