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You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.