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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?