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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.