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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.