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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.