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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps