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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.