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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.