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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I look so young for my rage.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.