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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.