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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.