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My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"