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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]