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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Relationship Status: eating
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.