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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”