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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.