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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?