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My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.