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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!