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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on