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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson