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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.