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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.