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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I need a partner in wine.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...