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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.