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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.