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Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Being normal is boring.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.