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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.