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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.