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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Mondays should start at noon.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books