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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
I fake my LOLs
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.