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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!