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I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
I`ve given up on giving up.