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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...