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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.