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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Just another day of not being rich and famous.