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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.