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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
I wish common sense was more common.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent