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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.