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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.