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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.