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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.