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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
My brain has too many tabs open.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.