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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.