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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. Iām thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.