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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Iām better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.