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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.