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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Don`t act like your not impressed.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.