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Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
This salad tastes like Iād rather be fat.