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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
is battling with eyelids
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?