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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`