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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
How Big is Infinity?
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.