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I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.