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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.